This is not a transcript. Not really. Part of some pages I wrote for my “book” idea. I got zero done on this project during NaNoWriMo.

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i dont know what it is. maybe it’s that i’m 26 now and starting to think about this stuff, but i am dissatisfied with my life. and not with the quality of life or the things i do, but i’m tired of not caring at all about things. i miss a level or degree of passion or vitality in my life. i know i’m not alone in this. i would venture to say a huge majority of people feel this way in some respects.

VERY TRUE. HONESTLY HOW MANY PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY ARE PASSIONATE ABOUT? AND EVEN THOSE PEOPLE, HOW MANY OF THEM ACTUALLY GET TO GO OUT AND DO IT? WHETHER FOR A LIVING OR EVEN JUST A HOBBY?

i know i know. but i envy those people. people who find something they even care about a little. i mean, these people are inspiring and disheartening in the same breath to me. inspiring, for obvious reasons like they know what they want and they do it. disheartening because i can’t even fathom having that. i bet this is why, you know other than my thirst for knowledge and natural curiosity, that i delve so deeply into things that i do. it also probably explains why those curiosities dissolve rather quickly. like random music i’m into. or researching electronics. or anything. i get heavy into it and then it fades.

BUT YOU CAN’T TAKE THAT AS A SIGN THAT YOU AREN’T PASSIONATE ABOUT SOMETHING. MAYBE A PARTICULAR GENRE OF MUSIC ISN’T YOUR THING, BUT YOU STILL ENJOY MUSIC.

but i’m not passionate about it. it’s not something that i want. well i mean other than to listen to. but that probably has more to do with social isolation than anything else. by the way, i read a blurb about some town in austrailia banning ipods because they cause social isolation because kids sit there and listen to them and don’t interact with each other. there are obvious counterpoints, such as kids interact to see what they are listening to, see what they have on their ipods, etc. but i’m definitely in the social isolation camp. i listen to my pod so much when i’m out so i don’t have to listen to the rest of the world.

YEAH, BUT MOST OF THAT HAS TO DO WITH IMPATIENCE FOR THE REST OF THE WORLD, BECAUSE, WELL YOU KNOW, SO MUCH OF THE REST OF THE WORLD IS STUPID. CAN NEVER UNDERESTIMATE HOW STUPID PEOPLE CAN BE. AND NO BETTER WAY TO TUNE THAT OUT THAN TO LISTEN TO YOUR OWN TUNES AND DISCONNECT FROM THE IDIOCY.

haha, disconnect. very true. but i have other issues about disconnecting. and that’s a whole other conversation. and who knows if that conversation will ever be had. because, let’s be honest, do i ever really talk about my issues? well at least directly? no.

OKAY, BACK TO THE TOPIC AT HAND THEN. PASSION IN LIFE. YOU ARE A BIG FAN OF MOVIES. WHY IS THAT NOT A PASSION IN YOUR LIFE? BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT TO MAKE THEM? ENJOYING SOMETHING A LOT AT LEAST IS ON TRACK WITH BEING PASSIONATE ABOUT SOMETHING. YOU EVEN SAID IT COULD BE A HOBBY. SO WHY DOESN’T GOING TO THE MOVIES TO SEE THIS MEDIA YOU ENJOY QUALIFY?

because at the end of the day i could do without it. i mean, ha, i pretty much do without it now. yes, i love movies. yes, i know about a lot of random movies, though admittedly not as much as i’d prefer. but do i go to movies? not really. i don’t know when the last time i went to the movies. and there are always movies i want to see that i never get around to watching. how is that a passion thing. i mean it was easy when i had a girlfriend, because that relationship, in a big way, took care of feeling passionate about something. is it a substitute? perhaps, but nothing wrong with being passionate about somebody instead of something. i think that’s a good basis for a long-term serious relationship. or you know, being a stalker or something.

WELL NOT TO BE HARSH, BUT JOIN THE CLUB. YOU SAID IT YOURSELF. HOW MANY PEOPLE KNOW WHAT THEY REALLY CARE ABOUT AND CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT? HARDLY ANYONE COMING OUT OF COLLEGE GRADUATES AND THEN FINDS A JOB DOING WHAT THEY LOVE. I MEAN AT THE END OF THE DAY, THIS IS AN EPIDEMIC OF APATHY OF SORTS. THIS IS WHY, MORE THAN EVER BEFORE, PEOPLE ARE CHANGING CAREERS AND ALL THAT. I MEAN OUTSIDE OF FEW PROFESSIONS, AND THEY’RE NOT EVEN IMMUNE, HOW MUCH DO YOU HEAR ABOUT SOMEONE GIVING IT ALL UP FOR THEIR DREAM OF BECOMING, I DON’T KNOW, LIKE AN ORGANIC FARMER OR SOMETHING RANDOM LIKE THAT. NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THEY WANT. EVERYONE IS SEARCHING FOR THAT THING TO GIVE THEM SOME MEANING OR SOMETHING TO BE PASSIONATE ABOUT. I’M NOT SAYING THAT THIS DIMINISHES YOUR FEELINGS ON THIS, BUT IT’S SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS.

i know. but i just feel like i dont have anything right now. i mean it’s unbelievable to me how blase i am about everything. and it’s to the point where it’s almost to my own detriment. chalk it up to senioritis or something, but i dont care about school. i dont care particularly all that much about my job. i dont really care that much for my chosen profession. and i dont know why this bothers me, because my whole life i’ve said i wouldn’t have a problem with working in a soul-sucking job that paid well to be able to provide for myself and/or my family in a manner that i thought was necessary. so if i’m willing to do that when i have to, why does it bother me that i dont care about anything now?

WELL I SUPPOSE IF YOU ARE WILLING TO WORK A CRAP JOB THAT PAYS FOR YOUR LIFESTYLE SO TO SPEAK FOR YOUR FAMILY, YOUR FAMILY IS WHAT YOU ARE PASSIONATE ABOUT AND WILLING TO SACRIFICE FOR.

i dont know. i just feel like time is passing me by. maybe it’s because i’ve been in school so long and not “out there” on my own fully. but i just feel like every day i’m missing something. not necessarily missing out, though i feel that way too some days, but just that my life is missing some crucial element. or that i lack that thing, whatever it is, necessary to go out and start a life. and that what’s holding me back from it, isnt necessarily school, though that’s a convenient excuse.